How Not to Start Your Book

Note: The following scenario is extremely dramatized but nonetheless accurate. I have seen all of these mistakes in books on Wattpad (albeit not usually all in the same book), and I highly recommend avoiding them.

You've been browsing through terrible books for hours, and your fingers are going numb. A bright cover catches your eye. You've never seen such an interesting title, and just look at that description! It's practically begging to be read.

You anxiously open the book, only to see a wall of italicized text. It's the description from the back cover of the book. Why'd they put that inside the book? It's not like you've forgotten the description in the last five seconds.

Never mind, it's no big deal. You plow onward, excited to turn the next page, only to find another wall of italicized text. What, did they accidentally print the description twice? No, it's a letter. A letter from the author. He defeated cancer, his cat was trampled by a football team, and he's desperate for money, but despite it all, he managed to write this book.

Okay, you guess that's interesting, but it doesn't seem any more important than the duplicate description. Maybe if you'd read the letter at the end of the book, once you already loved the author and his story, you might've been more interested.

But you plow on, and guess what's on the next page? More italicized text. It's the acknowledgements this time. Aren't those supposed to be at the end of the book? Shaking your head, you don't even bother skimming them before moving to the next page.

Pretty pictures catch your attention. Decorative mood boards fill the page as they attempt to give you visions of pumpkin spice and cacti--apparently the character's favorite things, or maybe they're supposed to describe her personality?--alongside a stock photo of a redheaded teenager wearing an overly-large sweater. Below each mood board is a list of information about the characters--age, height, width, shoe size, favorite color, zodiac sign--that just goes on and on.

You spend half an hour trying to memorize the trivial information before giving up and moving to the next page. It's another list, but at least this time, there aren't a bunch of pictures to distract you. Just some random letters and numbers. You click on the first one, and it takes you to Youtube. Peppy music blares, attempting to put you in the mood to read the book. When you navigate back to the book, you realize each link is labeled with the chapter it corresponds to. If you want to really set the mood, you'll have to come back to this page every chapter, but it'll sure be worth it to have someone else's music blaring in the background.

Yawning, you glance at the clock. It's much too late for a school night. You sign off and head to bed.

The next morning, you have a few minutes before school, so you return to the book you'd been looking at last night. It sure had a lengthy beginning, but that must only mean it was building up to a great beginning, right?

You turn the page and finally arrive at the meat of the story. There's a quote at the top of the page that you want to ignore, but you figure it might be relevant later on.

"The best way to make pudding is with fairy's wings." - Anonymous

Uh huh. What, was this a fantasy cookbook or something? You read the actual narrative.

Ashley raced through a forest, panting as she fought to outrun the beasts on her trail. If she faltered even a little, she was toast. 

Well, that was a good start, wasn't it? You're not entirely sure why it's in italics, but you continue anyway.

She felt hot breath on the back of her neck. The beast was inches away from sinking its fangs into her jugular, but then-

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Ashley jolted awake in a cold sweat. 

You frown. So it wasn't that interesting a start after all? No, you mustn't judge so quickly. Maybe Ashley's real life was just as interesting.

Ashley shook off the stress of her nightmare and pranced over to the mirror. She was 5'6 and 130 pounds soaking wet, with double-C breasts and better curves than a balloon. All the guys stared when she walked past. All except Jared. He was the hottest, and he never even looked at her. Today, she was going to win his heart or die trying. Not literally, of course. It was high school, not a wild forest.

With a sigh, you close the book and head off to school.